For those who have followed news to some extent will surely appreciate the genuine efforts gone in compiling this well deserved award list , so sit back and enjoy the listings : 

 

A - INDIA

 

Name Change of the Year Award – The RBI, which now stands for The Reverse Bank of India, as they reverse their decisions within a day of announcing them

Bank Of the Year Award – Axis Bank, which lived up to its name by having an axis between its employees and hawala operators.

Non-Entity of the Year Award – Anna Hazare. In 1950s, the Government removed the anna out of circulation, and now they removed the hazare.

Buddha Hoga Tera Baap Award – Ratan Tata, who returned to preserve his legacy of loss making ventures.

Most Secret TeleCon of the Year Award – The one that L.K. Advani made to Ratan Tata asking him how he did it.

"Itna Sannata Kyu Hain Bhai ?" Award – The Newshour. After the exit of Arnab Goswami. The show lost half its value and all its volume after his exit.

Shortest Message of the Year Award – To Cyrus Mistry : "Tata

"Family of the Year Award – To the Yadavs of Uttar Pradesh. They beat the shit out of last year's winners – Indrani Mukherjee's family. And her famous family tree.

Advertisement of the Year Award – Pierce Brosnan for Pan Bahar. Next Year : George Clooney for Hajmola.

Hidden Meaning of the Year Award – 'The Big Billion Sale'- offered by Flipkart, Amazon, Snapdeal etc – where they sell material worth USD 2 billion for USD 1 billion – and then raise another USD 2 billion at enhanced valuation, to do a repeat performance the next year

Most Sought After Indian Male Model – Narendra Modi. First by Reliance Jio. Then by PayTM. And now, by the common man.

Sex Change of the Year Award – Performed by gynaecologist Dr Rahul Gandhi, when he referred to the Vice President, Hamid Ansari as "Madame Speaker...." in the Rajya Sabha.

Bluff Of the Year Award – The week long drama on withdrawing from the Indus Water Treaty which kept the Pakis busy writing to the UN, the World Bank, The Hague – and then conducting the strikes across the LOC.

Best Employer in the World Award – The Tata Group. 'The Economist' revealed that 60 % of their capital deployed earns less than 10 % returns. They fired the one guy who tried to do something about it. Now, can there be any better place to work, for the regular lazy Indian ?  

B- INTERNATIONAL

World's Weirdest Voters Award – The American Electorate. First, George W and now, Donald Trump. Seriously guys ?

Most Valuable Indian Museum Award – London City. Which houses Indian loot in all its museums, the Kohinoor, Lalit Modi and now, Vijay Mallya.

Summit of the Year Award – The SAARC Summit. Attended by err...only Nawaz Sharif.

Most Explosive Product Launch of the Year Award – The Samsung Galaxy Note 7. It's the most sought after device in Pakistan, Afghanistan and Syria.

Denial of the Year Award : The Pakistani Army. What ? Nothing. Nothing ever happened.

*Cancel your credit card before you die.........* ( Truly hilarious! )

*This is priceless*.

A lady died in 2016 January, and HDFC Bank billed her for Feb '16 & Mar '16 for  *annual service charges* on her credit card, and *added late fees* and *interest* on the monthly charges!!!

The balance had been Rs.0.00 when she died, but now it was around Rs.6000.

 A family member placed a call to HDFC Bank. Here is the conversatio :

*Family Member*: "I am calling to tell you that she died in Jan '16."

*HDFC Bank*: "The account was never closed. So the late fees & charges still apply."

*Family Member*:😳 "Maybe, you should turn it over to yr collections dept."

*HDFC Bank*: "Since it is two months overdue, it already has been."

*Family Member*: "So, what will they do when they find out she is no more?"

*HDFC Bank*: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureauor maybe both!"

*Family Member*: 😷 "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

*HDFC Bank*: 😳 "Excuse me?"

*Family Member*: 😡 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

*HDFC Bank*: 😒"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone: 

*Family Member*: "I'm calling to inform you that she died in Jan '16 with a Rs.0 balance on her credit card."

*HDFC Bank*: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."

*Family Member*: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

*HDFC Bank*: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

*Family Member*: "No, I'm her grand nephew."

*HDFC Bank*: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

*Family Member*: "Sure." (Fax number was given )

After they got the fax :

*HDFC Bank*: "Our system isn't setup for *death*. I don't know what more I can do to help."

*Family Member*: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care."

*HDFC Bank*: "Well, the late fees and charges will still apply."

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

*Family Member*: "Would you like her new billing address?"

*HDFC Bank*: "That might help..."

*Family Member*: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Grave no 1169, Avinashi, Coimbatore."

*HDFC Bank*: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

*Family Member*: "And what do you do with dead people on your planet???"

😆😆😆😱😨👻💀

*एक सुखी पति "था"* 😄 

*राम जाने कौन था*

😂

😉😜😄😆😝😂

✨ 

*एक "शांत" पत्नी थी*

😄

                                    

*भगवान जाने किसकी थी...*

😂😂😂😂

विश्व पुस्तक मेले में इस बार की बेस्ट सेलर किताबों की सूची अवरोही क्रम में: -

10. यूरोप में छुट्टियां (यात्रा संस्मरण) - राहुल गांधी

9. पिता-पुत्र सम्बन्ध: एक मनोवैज्ञानिक विश्लेषण - मुलायम सिंह यादव 

8. पुरस्कारों के साथ मेरे प्रयोग एवं अनुभव - अशोक वाजपेयी

7. लम्हे फ़ुर्सत के (कविता संग्रह) - लालकृष्ण आडवाणी

6 आग लगाने के आदिम उपाय - अमर सिंह

5. सेल्फ़ी लेने के बेहतरीन तरीक़े - सुधीर चौधरी (तिहाड़ वाले)

4कश्मकश में ज़िन्दगी (लघुकथा संग्रह) - उर्जित पटेल

3 धूप और छाँव (उपन्यास) - स्मृति ईरानी

2 कभी दोस्ती कभी दुश्मनी (ग़ज़ल संग्रह) - नीतीश कुमार

1. अखंड भारत की मौद्रिक नीति: एक भविष्योन्मुखी विवेचन - नरेन्द्र मोदी

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

               हर पतंग जानती है,

            अंत में कचरे मे जाना है

            लेकिन उसके पहले हमे,

          आसमान छूकर दिखाना है ।

       *" बस ज़िंदगी भी यही चाहती है "*

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Sharing a Write -up which I liked:

*"Benign negligence"*

Our parents stumbled into parenthood and then bumbled their way through it. For the most part, they left us to our own devices and we were free to live our lives as we pleased. 

Food, clothing, shelter, and education was their domain and the allocation was done fairly and to the best of their ability. 

School reports were signed with a desultory hand and a bad report card evinced half hearted whacks followed by ice cream. 

No one directed us on how to gainfully use our time. If we were bored, we had to overcome the ennui without parental guidance.

We learnt to cycle by renting badly maintained cycles by the half hour. We fell often, and we washed our knees with plain water and started all over again. Often, our afternoon snacks consisted of unwashed raw mangoes, garnished with salt and chilly powder. All the more tasty because they were plucked from the neighbouring compound. We invented board games and co authored books. We went for long walks and visited public libraries to read the latest Mandrake or Bahadur comics. We started our own libraries, which closed down in a week, and sold lemonade to the indulgent Uncles and Aunties of the society. 

If we squabbled with our friends, we had to find resolution without adult interference. We experimented with unusual foods and rescued stray dogs.We collected rocks and pressed leaves. All within the periphery vision of our parents. Without being actively aware, they sowed in us seeds of resilience and intrepidity which have held us in good stead. We learnt to push boundaries, build self belief and look failure in the eye. 

We mastered Time and put it to good use. We fell down, but we picked ourselves because our parents were occupied otherwise.

Children today are bereft of that clement neglect. Every moment of a child's life is put to 'optimal' use. His hobbies are pre ordained, his friendships are filtered and his leisure is monitored. 

His clothes are coordinated, his hands are sanitised and his diet is supervised. His demands are preempted, his desires assumed.

His self belief is never confronted, his creativity lays dormant and his imagination is shackled by Temple Run. 

In the desire to be best friends with our kids, we are eroding the skills needed to build long lasting, nurturing relations with outsiders. 

Our need to protect overpowers the child's need to prospect. The more we hover, the more they will submit when faced with unexpected situations.

*Benign Neglect* is my favourite oxymoron. Right next to Definite Possibility. Of the child turning alright despite our Regular Interventions or our Lame Efforts.

But for the child to be joyful while he is growing up, we need to turn a Blind Eye to the process of metamorphosis. The caterpillar will surely turn into a butterfly. And just as its struggles readies the solitary pupa to face the world and the wind, our children will harden and strengthen to face the sound and the fury of Life. 

*Give them a chance. Leave them alone.*

Rustomji and Sohrabji, 

2 Parsi friends, very old and frail, used to meet in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. 

Rustomji disappeared for a month.  

One day, Sohrabji approached the park and lo behold there sat Rustomji !

Sohrabji was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Crying out loud, he asked Rustomji "what in the world happened to you ?" 

Rustomji replied, "I was in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sohrabji, "What?!! Whatever for?!!"

"Well," Rustomji said, "You know Freny, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go ?"

"Yeah," said Sohrabji, "I remember her. What about her?" 

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'Guilty' ".

"The damn judge gave me thirty days for lying under oath !"

Dangal

_Dangal's and Aamir Khan's_ super success once again proves that whatever is spoken or aggressively defended on social media (especially amongst Indians) is not necessarily true.

After the not so appreciated comments of Aamir Khan about his feeling safe in the country few months back, this super success is just the opposite!!! Contribution by so called _Rashtra Premi's_ must have been maximum 😊

So what kind of country/society are we??

This was taken from a tourism blog where people could post queries if they were planning on making a trip to India.

The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who demonstrate tolerance and excellent sense of humor.

Q : Does it ever get windy in India ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). 

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q : Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA ) 

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Delhi to Goa - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden ) 

A: Sure, it's only two thousand kms, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs India ? Can you send me a list of them in Delhi , Chennai, Calcutta and Bangalore?(UK) 

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Which direction is North in India ? ( USA ) 

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into India ? ( UK ) 

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can I wear high heels in India ? ( UK ) 

A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Bangalore, and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) 

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in India who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) 

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Indian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

V Do you have perfume in India ? ( France ) 

A: No, WE don't stink in India.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in India ? (USA) 

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in India ? (France) 

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) 

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first

Q: Can I see Taj Mahal anytime? (Italy) 

A: As long as you are not blind, you can see it anytime day and night.

Q: Do you have Toilet paper? (USA) 

A: No, we use sand paper. (we have different grades).

Teacher - हिंदी में अनुवाद करो,

"There was a fine line between Amitabh & Jaya."

Student -

'अमिताभ और जया के बीच एक मस्त रेखा थी' !

😂😂😂😅😅😜😜😝

एक गाँव में 'आधार कार्ड' बन रहे थे

.

तो एक औरत से अधिकारी ने पुछा..

"तुम्हारे घरवाले का नाम क्या है ?"

.

.

औरत - "हम अपने उनका नाम नहीं लेते"

.

अधिकारी - "कोई हिंट तो दो"

.

.औरत - 3 गंजी + 3 गंजी

.

.

अधिकारी बोला -"क्या....??

कुछ समझ नहीं आया।"

.

.तभी बगल में बैठा लडक़ा बोला..

.

साहब - "छगनजी" ..!!😂😂

शक की भी हद हो गई जी .....

पति के दिल की सर्जरी होने के बाद पत्नी ने सर्जन से एक ही सवाल पूछा:

इनके दिल में  कोई दूसरी थी  क्या?!

डॉक्टर भी बहुत पहुँचा हुआ था.. बोला: "उसी को तो बायपास किया है ।

Reunion Special:

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Archana

"My name is Archana. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Xavier's high school.

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, 

that

ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled faced,

gray-haired,

decrepit,

idiot,

asked,

"What subject did you teach" ?" 😂

What is the difference between Salman Khan and Narendra Modi ?

One says he didn't kill the blackbuck though everyone knows he did.

Other says he killed the black buck though everyone knows he didn't.

😄 😄 दिल फ़ाड़ शायरी

मच्छर ने आपको काटा ... ये उसका जुनून था

वाह वाह वाह...

मच्छर ने आपको काटा ... ये उसका जुनून था

फिर आपने वहाँ खुजाया ... ये आपका

सुकून था

पर चाह कर भी आप उसे मार नहीं पाये

ग़ौर फ़रमाइये हुज़ूर ...

चाह कर भी आप उसे मार नहीं पाये 😄 😄

क्योंकि उसकी रगों में आप ही का

ख़ून था ... !!!

😂 😂 😂 😜 😃

ये कहलाता हॆ खून का रिश्ता।

😍😆😇🤓😀😚

एक आदमी का बाप मर गया । वो बिलकुल नहीं रोया ।

माँ मरी । अब भी नहीं रोया ।

बहन मरी । भाई मरा । फ़िर

भी नहीं रोया ।

लेकिन बीबी मरी..तो फ़ूट फ़ूटकर

रोया ।

लोगों को बङी हैरत हुयी ।

अजीब आदमी है । माँ । बाप ।

भाई । बहन किसी के मरने पर एक आँसू तक नहीं निकला । बीबी के मरने पर बिलख बिलखकर रो रहा है ।.. तब

उस आदमी ने कहा ।

मुझे गलत मत समझो । भाईयो ।

जब बाप मरा । तो बाप की उमर वाले

लोगों ने कहा ।

चिंता न करो । हम तुम्हारे बाप के

समान हैं ( यानी खुद को अनाथ मत समझो । )

माँ के मरने पर भी उस उमर की औरतों ने ऐसा ही कहा । भाई के मरने पर । बहन के मरने पर । मुझे ये भी दूसरे मिल गये ।..

पर बीबी के मरने पर..किसी एक भी औरत ने यह

नहीं कहा । चिंता न करो । मैं तुम्हारी बीबी के समान हू..😄😜😎

जो लड़कियां मैथ्स में अच्छी होती हैं!!!

वो

शादी के बाद कमेटी वाली आंटी बन जाती हैं। 😂😂😂😂😂

👌👌👌👌👌👌👌👌

पत्नी पति से बोली:-

"देखो जी,

शिव -पार्वती के फोटो में शिव जी

त्रिशूल लिए हुए हैं...

विष्णु -लक्ष्मी के फोटो में विष्णु जी

चक्र के साथ हैं...

और

सीता- राम को देखिये तो राम जी के

हाथ में धनुष है...

सिर्फ

राधा -कृष्ण के तस्वीर में बांसुरी

बजाते कृष्ण है...

ऐसा क्यूँ .........?"

पति ने समझाया:- "अरे पगली,

इतनी छोटी सी बात नहीं समझती

हो..!!

सभी देवता अपनी पत्नियों के साथ

है, इसलिए

अपने हथियारों के साथ हैं...

और

अपने कृष्णजी अपनी गर्ल फ्रेंड के

साथ है तो चैन की बंसी बजा रहे

हैं ......!!"

❤सभी दमपत्तियों को समर्पित❤

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

स्कूल में हिंदी के पीरियड में मास्टर जी ने पूछा,

"दु:ख तो अपना साथी है,

सुख तो आता जाता है।"😀

अर्थ स्पष्ट करें।

 

रवि- "बीवी हमेंशा घर में होती है,😪

साली आती जाती रहती है ।"😍😍

मास्टरजी ने भारतरत्न के लिए सिफारिश की है ॥😂😆

😜😜😜😜😜😜‪

दोस्त ने स्टेटस चेंज कर तिरंगा लगा लिया

.

मगर ना 26 जनवरी थी ना 15 अगस्त का

दिन ...

.

मैंने कारण पूछा तो बोला ......

4 दिन की आजादी मिली है

.

.

 तुम्हारी

भाभी मायके गई है !!

😃

अनारकली 👸 के बाद साईकल 🚲 ही दूसरी फीमेल है जिसके लिये बाप बेटे में झगड़ा हुआ!!😂😜😂

पत्नी....ये जल्लीकट्टू क्या है जी ?

पति....वही जो तुम रोज सुनाती हो ।

पत्नी ....फिर इसमें सुप्रीम कोर्ट को टांग अड़ाने की क्या जरूरत है

*बेबी👧🏻को बेस🎼पसन्द हैं,*

*सलमान😎को केस⛓पसन्द हैं,*

*मोदी👳🏻को विदेश✈पसन्द हैं,*

*और मुझे🏂मेरा देश पसंद हैं !!*✌🏻😘😘😘😘.  

*HAPPY REPUBLIC DAY IN ADVANCE*

Mr. DeSouza from Goa decided to make a movie and named it:

"Roz Meri Maarlo"

Censor board objected

Mr.DeSouza told censor board, "ye 3 ladkiyo ki kahani hai... Rose, Mary & Maarlow..!"

Board asked to change the sequence. DeSouza happily argreed & told the censor board, "U can put their names in any sequence" 😜

Keep Trying...👍

😂😂😂😂😂

नोट इकट्ठा करने की बजाय..दोस्त इकट्ठा किये है हमने 

इसीलिए आज पुराने भी चल रहे है

A couple went to a Sex Therapist office at a BIG Corporate Hospital.

The doctor asked,"What can I do for you?"

The man said,"Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said,"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"and charged them Rs.1300.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked,"exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, ."We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house I'm married and we can't go to my house. 

The Oberoi charges Rs. 15000,

Taj charges Rs.14000 ,

Le Meridian charges Rs.12500.

We do it here for Rs.1300,

Punch line is yet to come..........

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I get that 1300, back from MediClaim.

😃😃😃😋😋😋😝😝

Dont laugh 

Take Good Mediclaim Policy😜😜

Donald trump wants to paint the white house..  

He calls for quotations..  

Chinese guy quoted 3 millions..  

European guy quoted 7 millions..  

Indian guy quoted 10 millions..  

Trump asked chinese guy.."..how did u quoted 3 millions..?"  

Chinese guy replied .."  1 million for paint 1 million for labour 1 million profit.."  

Trump asked european guy.. He replied-".. 3 million for paint 2 million for labour 2 million profit..

*   Trump asked indian guy.. He replied..      .."

..4 million for you.. 3 million for me.. ..  .. and we will give 3 million to the chinese guy and ask him to paint..!!" 

 Order bagged by Indian 

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Announcement in a SCHOOL

"Students who've Parked their cycles in front of d Gate, Plz move their cycles to the Parking area !!"

After 30 mins another announcement: "The 400 students who went to move 10 cycles plz come back to classes!"

😂😂😂

SCHOOL LIFE AT ITS BEST☺

Hyderabadi Styled Intellectual baatha...

Une Cycle chalate chalate  pairan dard hore bol k bike liya..

Bike chalane se kammar me dard utha to car liya..

Car chalane se pet nikal gaya to gym join kara...

Ab gym me haula Cycle chalaraa...

Poetry

समय बहाकर ले जाता है, 

नाम और निशान...

कोई 'हम' में रह जाता है और 

कोई 'अहम' में....!

Generation gap

👉🏻 *कड़वा सच है, जरा धयान दें :-*

एक नौजवान ने अपने दादा से पूछा :- "दादा जी...आप लोग पहले कैसे रहते थे ?

न कोई टेक्नोलॉजी , न जहाज, न कम्प्यूटर, न गाड़ियाँ, न मोबाइल ।"

दादा जी ने जवाब दिया :- "जैसे तुम लोग आजकल रहते हो....

न पूजा, न पाठ, न दीन, न धरम, न लज्जा, न शरम "।।

Demonetization

One of the best received on Demonetization...

60 Saal ka hisaab mangnewala

50 din  ka hisaab nahi de pa raha ....

🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐😛😈

Education

एक सच्चाई

जब *शिक्षा* का बुनियादी मकसद *नौकरी* का पाना ही होगा

तो समाज में *नौकर* ही पैदा  होंगे  *मालिक* नहीं....

Winter Poetry

ठिठुर रहा है बदन साँस थम सी गई है.

आज सर्दी बहुत है शायरी जम सी गई है....॥

 उफ़ ये सर्द हवाएँ...बिखरे पत्ते...और तन्हाई,

ए-जनवरी तू सब कुछ ले आयी है, सिवाय उसके...!!!

उँगलियाँ ही सहला रही हैं रिश्तों को अब,

ज़ुबाँ को आजकल बड़ी तक़लीफ़ होती है...!!

Petrol prices

Date | Petrol | Diesel

17/12 | ₹2.84 | ₹2.11

01/01 | ₹1.66 | ₹1.14

16/01 | ₹0.42 | ₹1.00

In 1 month increase is

 Total   ₹4.92 | ₹4.25

Good Days

👦🏻भाइयों और बहनों 🙎🏻

अच्छे दिन तो आ गए हैं,

लेकिन..... 

कोहरे की वजह से दिख नहीं रहे हैं. ....

26th January

I casually made a survey asking people..

What is on 26th Jan..

93.7% replied "Dry day."

This is disturbing.

We have to start educating the remaining 6.3 % immediately !!

...A lovely poem

कुछ हँस के

     बोल दिया करो,

कुछ हँस के 

      टाल दिया करो,

यूँ तो बहुत 

    परेशानियां है 

तुमको भी 

     मुझको भी,

मगर कुछ फैंसले 

     वक्त पे डाल दिया करो,

न जाने कल कोई 

    हंसाने वाला मिले न मिले..

इसलिये आज ही 

      हसरत निकाल लिया करो !!

 समझौता 

      करना सीखिए..

क्योंकि थोड़ा सा  

      झुक जाना 

 किसी रिश्ते को

         हमेशा के लिए 

तोड़ देने से 

           बहुत बेहतर है ।।।

किसी के साथ

     हँसते-हँसते

 उतने ही हक से 

      रूठना भी आना चाहिए !

अपनो की आँख का

     पानी धीरे से 

पोंछना आना चाहिए !

      रिश्तेदारी और 

 दोस्ती में 

    कैसा मान अपमान ?

बस अपनों के  

     दिल मे रहना 

आना चाहिए...!

                            

Proud to be Indian🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳

Q.What is difference b/w India and USA?

.

.

.

Ans.

1.🇺🇸America produced Microsoft🖥, 

🇮🇳India produced Satya Nadella (CEO)👱👱

2. 🇺🇸America produced Pepsi Co.🍷, 

🇮🇳India produced Indra Nooyi (CEO)👩👩

3. 🇺🇸America produced Adobe Systems📖, 

🇮🇳India produced Shantanu Narayen (CEO)👱👱

4. 🇺🇸America produced CitiGroup💵, 

🇮🇳India produced Vikram Pandit (Ex CEO)👱👱

5. 🇺🇸America produced Berkshire Hathaway Insurance, 

🇮🇳India produced Ajit Jain (President)👱👱

6. 🇺🇸America produced MasterCard💳, 

🇮🇳India produced Ajay Banga (CEO)👱👱

7. 🇺🇸America produced Quest Diagnostics🔧, 

🇮🇳India produced Surya Mohapatra (Ex CEO)👱👱

8. 🇺🇸America produced Deloitte📊, 

🇮🇳India produced Punit Renjen (Global CEO)👱👱

9. 🇺🇸America produced Google 🔎, 

🇮🇳India produced Sundar Pichai (CEO)👱👱

And finally,

10. 🇺🇸America produced Quora📜, 

🇮🇳India produced Balaji Viswanathan.👱👱

It's sad😞 to see so many comments📝 with negative👎 perspective which "completely disregard " the role of India played to mold those top Indians.

So here is a little stat:

1. Satya Nadella- B.E Electrical Engineering from Manipal Institute of Technology

2. Indra Nooyi- (PGDM /MBA) from IIM Calcutta

3. Shantanu Narayen- BSc. Electronics Engineering from Osmania University

4. Ajit Jain- B.Tech Mechanical Engineering from IIT Kharagpur

5. Ajay Banga- PGDM (/MBA) from IIM Ahmedabad

5. Surya Mohapatra- B.S in Sambalpur University

6. Sundar Pichai- B.Tech Metallurgical Engineering from IIT Kharagpur.

7. Balaji Viswanathan- B.E Computer Engineering from Thiagarajar College of Engineering🏫🏫

🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳Indian Schools were the ones to provide the "basic" for those geniuses👔 which created the roots for the 🌲tree to grow.

*BHAGWAD GITA* _*in one sentence per chapter...*_

*Chapter 1*

_Wrong thinking is the only problem in life_

*Chapter 2*

_Right knowledge is the ultimate solution to all our problems_

*Chapter 3*

_Selflessness is the only way to progress & prosperity_

*Chapter 4*

_Every act can be an act of prayer_

*Chapter 5*

_Renounce the ego of individuality & rejoice in the bliss of infinity_

*Chapter 6*

_Connect to the Higher consciousness daily_

*Chapter 7*

_Live what you learn_

*Chapter 8*

_Never give up on yourself_

*Chapter 9*

 _Value your blessings_

*Chapter 10*

_See divinity all around_

*Chapter 11*

_Have enough surrender to see the Truth as it is_

*Chapter 12*

_Absorb your mind in the Higher_

*Chapter 13*

_Detach from maya & attach to Divine_

*Chapter 14*

_Live a lifestyle that matches your vision_

*Chapter 15*

_Give priority to Divinity_

*Chapter 16*

_Being good is a reward in itself_

*Chapter 17*

_Choosing the right over the pleasant is a sign of power_

*Chapter 18*

_Let Go, Lets move to union with God_

*Why India is in trouble....*

Population - *125 crore*

*20 Crore* retired

*35 Crore* state govt.

*25 Crore* central

(Both dont work!?)

*7 crore* IT professionals (they are not working for india)

*7 crore* under 5years

*25 crore* unemployed 

*5 Crore* you can find any time in hospital!

Statistics says u find *99,99,997* in jails at anytime...

Balance only three, 

*Modi, me and you*

You guys are busy *"checking whatsapp/fb/mails"*

How can *modi and me* handle the country...?😜😜😜

After watching the video of BSF jawan, many married men have made videos of food cooked by their wives......

However none of them could gather enough courage to show those on social media or television !!

😀😀

*डॉ.*: अब कैसी तबियत है आपकी पत्नी की ? 

*पति*: ठीक है डॉक्टर साब; 

आज सुबह तो थोडी देर लडाई भी की  !! 

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

पत्नी ने पति को Market से मेसेज किया.....😙 मैं लेट हो जाउंगी,प्लीज खाना बना लेना,बच्चों को खिला देना और बर्तन धो लेना......

बेड ठीक करके बच्चों को सुला देना।।

.......

दस मिनट बाद उसने दूसरा मेसेज किया,,,,,और हाँ मैं कहना भूल गयी की मैं तुम्हारे लिए एक व्हिस्की की बोतल ले आने की सोच रही थी.....कौन सा ब्रांड ले के आऊ???

......

पति ने फ़ौरन जवाब दिया😀😀 blenders pride ले आना.....लव यू जान।

....

तुरंत पत्नी का जवाब आया,,कुछ नहीं ला रही हूँ....मैं तो बस चेक कर रही थी की तुमने मेरा पहला मेसेज पढा कि नहीं.....😁😁😁😀😀😀

याददाश्त का कमज़ोर होना बुरी बात नहीं है जनाब

.

बड़े बेचैन रहते है वो लोग जिन्हे हर बात याद रहती है

*आईना आज फिर रिशवत लेता पकडा गया,*

*दिल में दर्द था ओर चेहरा हंसता हुआ पकडा गया*

WRITTEN BY A COP: EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE 5 MINUTES TO READ THIS – IT MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE OR A LOVED ONE'S LIFE!

December 30, 2016 

This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, & everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

 

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,

DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you… Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.

RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.

DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,

LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE..

If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat:

DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

A.) Be aware:look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor ,

and in the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

 

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird.. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door..'

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby.. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

10. Water scam! If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full blast so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors! Please pass this on This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana

गाड़ी चलाते समय जाने आपके अधिकार.. l

👉गाड़ी की चाबी नही निकाल सकते ट्राफिक कान्सटेबल ।

👉100रू से अधिक फाईन ASI & SI ही कर सकता है ।

👉 कान्सटेबल को फाईन का हक नही ।

👉हैड कान्सटेबल 100 रू तक ही फाईन कर सकता है ।

👉 ट्राफिक कान्सटेबल को आपको अरेस्ट करने या वाहन जब्त करने का अधिकार नही है ।

👉ट्राफिक कान्सटेबल PUC पेपर्स भी नही मांग सकता क्योंकि यह अधिकार सिर्फ RTO का है ।

👉ट्राफिक मे कान्सटेबल से लेकर ASI सफेद रंग की वर्दी पहनते है जबकि CI और उनके ऊपर के अधिकारी खाकी वर्दी । चालान करते समय अगर ये लोग वर्दी मे नही हो तो इन्हे कार्रवाई का कोई हक नही ।

👉 इन मामलो मे ट्राफिक पुलिस लाईसेंस जब्त कर सकती है -  

🔸रेड लाइट क्रोस करने पर ।

🔸शराब का सेवन करते हुए गाडी चलाने पर ।

🔸गाड़ी चलाते समय मोबाइल प्रयोग करने पर ।

🔸ओवर स्पीड गाड़ी चलाने पर ।

👉हमेशा डाक्यूमेंट साथ रखे - 

🔸DL (Original)

🔸RC (Xerox vaild)

🔸Insurance  (xerox valid)

🔸PUC (Original)

Indian Motor Vehicles Act 

बार बार रफू करते रहते हैं 

जिन्दगी की जेब...

कम्बखत फिर भी निकल जाते हैं 

खुशियों के कुछ लम्हें...

ज़िन्दगी में सारा झगड़ा ही 

ख़्वाहिशों का है.....

ना तो किसी को गम चाहिए और,

ना ही किसी को कम चाहिए....!!!

Once a Chartered accountant was travelling by train in A/c class.  He was traveling from Manmad to Bangalore! 

He was traveling alone! 

Some time later, a Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite berth! 

 Chartered accountant was pleasantly Happy!

The lady kept smiling at him!  This made d chartered accountant even more Happy!

Then she went and sat next to him! 

The chartered accountant was bubbling with Joy! 

She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear " Hand over all your valuables, cash, cards, mobile phone to me 

else I will shout and tell everybody that you are  harassing and misbehaving with me" 

The chartered accountant stared blankly at her!

He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote " I  can not hear or speak. You write on this paper whatever you want to say" 

The lady wrote everything what she said earlier and gave it to him! 

Chartered accountant took her note, kept it in his pocket! 

He got up and told her in clear tones..."Now shout & scream!!"

MORAL OF THE STORY : *DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT*😀😜

सासंदो से मोदी ने पूछा

"सर्वे भवन्तु सुखिनः

सर्वे सन्तु निरामया

सर्वे भद्राणि पश्यन्तु

मा कश्चित् दुःखभाग भवेत"

का अर्थ बतओ ।

अरूण जेतली ने :  आयकर अधिकारियों को निर्देश दिया है कि

"सभी सुखी लोगों के यहाँ सर्वे करो,

सभी निरोग लोगों के यहाँ सर्वे करो,

जो लोग अपने कल्याण में लगे हुए हैं, वहाँ सर्वे करो । 

कोई भी इस सर्वे रूपी दुःख से भागने ना पाये। "

😁😂

Saif Ali Khan

"सैफ़ अली खान की पहली बीवी अमृता सिंह '2 स्टेट्स' में अर्जुन कपूर की माँ बनी हैं......

और दूसरी बीवी करीना कपूर 'की & का' में अर्जुन कपूर की बीवी बनी हैं,....!!

 तो सैफ़ अली खान और अर्जुन कपूर का आपस में क्या रिश्ता है?

"यह सवाल इस बार  *पटवारी* भर्ती परीक्षा में आएगा ही आएगा....!!

😂😂😂

poem by Khuswant Singh at 92

 

*The horse and the mule live for 30 years, And know nothing of wines and beers;*

*The goat and sheep at 20 die, And never get a taste of Scotch and rye.*

*The cow drinks water by the tonne, And at 18 is mostly done, Without the aid of gin and rum.*

*The cat in milk and water soaks, And then in 12 short years it croaks.*

*The modest, sober, bone-dry hen, Lays eggs for others, then dies at 10.*

*All animals are strictly dry, They sinless live and swiftly die.*

*But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men, Survive for three score years and ten,*

*And some of them, though very few, Stay pickled till they're 92!*

*So shed a tear, drink a beer, Celebrate the past, toast the future and have a Happy New Year !*

We grew up

Don't know who wrote this... But beautiful 

Somewhere between "Crying loudly to seek attention" 

and "Crying silently to avoid attention", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Katti!!" and "Blocked", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Believing in happy endings" and "Accepting the reality", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"stealing eclairs of your sis" and "Bringing Silk for her", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Just five more mins Mom" and "Pressing the snooze button", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Broken Pencils" and 

"Broken Hearts", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Crying out loud just to get what we want" and 

"Holding our tears when we are broken inside", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"We are Best Friends Forever" and "Knowing that nothing truly lasts", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"I want to grow up" and 

"I want to be a child again", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Lets meet and plan" and 

"Lets plan and meet", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Eagerly waiting" and 

"Forever waiting", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Parents fulfilling our wish" and 

"We Fulfilling our parent's dream", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

" 7 pani puris for 1 rupee" and 

"1 pani puri for 7 rupees", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Ground mai aaja" and 

"Online aaja", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Craving for pizza" and 

"Craving for home food", 

we grew up!!

Somewhere between 

"Waking up at 6 am" and 

"Sleeping at 6 am", 

we grew up!!

And as we grew up, we realized how, silently but irretrievably, our lives have changed...!! 😊

*Latest mobile problem*

A Wife Doing her makeup💄 early morning straight out from Bed !!

Husband : Are you crazy ⁉

Wife : Just shut up, I need to unlock my phone. Its on Face recognition feature and it is not recognizing me..!!

🙃

Airtel joke

इस जोक का कोई तोड नही 

😂😂

कैस्टमर केअर : गुड मॉर्निंग सर, एयरटेल में आपका स्वागत है, बोलिये में आपकी क्या सेवा कर सकती हूँ -

पप्पू : मेरे पड़ोस की पुष्पा का नंबर दे दो । 

😜😜😜😜😜😜

Studies

*No father has ever explained the importance of Studies in such a awesome way to his son* -😁🙏

*With every wrong answer that you write in your exam paper, your future honeymoon shifts from Switzerland to Thailand to Goa to Ooty to Mysore to Hotel Annapoorna or relative's house or under the ceiling fan at your/wife's house* ..😜😁

Swami Vivekananda’s 7 Little Truths:

7 Little Truths

(litmus tests in life)

1st

Don't let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in their life. Relationships work best when they are balanced…

2nd

Never explain yourself to anyone. Because the person who likes you doesn't need it and the person who doesn't like you won't believe it…

3rd

When you keep saying you are busy, then you are never free. When you keep saying you have no time, then you will never have time. When you keep saying that you will do it tomorrow, then your tomorrow will never come…

4th

When we wake up in the morning, we have two simple choices. Go back to sleep and dream, or wake up and chase those dreams.

Choice is yours…

5th

We make them cry who care for us.    We cry for those who never care for us. And we care for those who will never cry for us. This is the truth of life, it's strange but true. Once you realize this, it's never too late to change…

6th

Don't make promises when you are in joy. Don't reply when you are sad.

Don't take decision when you are angry. Think twice, act once…

7th

Time is like river. You can't touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again

"Someone Asked Swami Vivekananda:

"What is poison?"

He had given a great answer:

"Everything excess in life, is poison"

Wife Joke

Wife takes very ill husband to a Doctor.

Doctor advices to wife : 

- Give him healthy breakfast daily

- Be pleasant all time

- Cook tasty dinner 

- Don't discuss your problems with him 

- Stop watching tv shows & facebook n whats app

- Don't demand new jewels..

If u can do this for one year, Ur husband will be ok.

On the way to home, husband asks wife : 

HB

What did Doctor say 

Wife said : 

*Bachna mushkil hai...*

Hilarious Signboards

12 Hilarious Signboards

Well -

http://toi.in/FQcoxb61/a20ai

Indian Hypocrite

2016 did not belong to Modi, Rahul or Urjit Patel, it belonged to the Indian hypocrite http://www.firstpost.com/india/2016-did-not-belong-to-modi-rahul-or-urjit-patel-it-belonged-to-the-indian-hypocrite-3179392.html

वो लड़कीया भी किसी आतंकवादी से कम नही हुआ करती थी...

जो टिचर के क्लास मे आते ही याद

दिला देती है ..

सर आपने टेस्ट का बोला था...

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

😡

😡

😡

आजकल के बच्चे क्या समझेंगे

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

हमने किन मुश्किल परिस्थितियों में पढ़ाई की है,

कभी कभी तो मास्टर जी हमें

मूड फ्रेश करने के लिये ही कूट दिया करते थे

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

मन की बात...

आज कल के बच्चे रिफ्रेश होने के लिए जहाँ वाटर पार्क, गेम सेंटर जाने की जिद करते हैं ...

वहीं हम ऐसे बच्चे थे जो मम्मी-पापा के एक झापङ से ही फ्रेश हो जाते थे.!

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

😂

वो भी क्या दिन थे....????

जब बच्चपन में कोई रिश्तेदार जाते समय 10 ₹ दे जाता था..

और माँ 8₹ टीडीएस काटकर 2₹ थमा देती थी....!!!

😁

😁

😁

😁

😁

😁

😁

😁

घर का T.V बिगड़ जाए

तो माता-पिता कहते हैं..

बच्चों ने बिगाड़ा है;

और अगर बच्चे बिगड़ जाएं तो

कहते है..

T.V. ने बिगाड़ा है !!!

😛😛😛😛😛😛😛😛

आज कल के माँ बाप सुबह स्कूल बस में बच्चे को बिठा के ऐसे बाय बाय करते हैं जैसे पढ़ने नहीं विदेश यात्रा भेज रहें हो....

और

एक हम थे जो रोज़ लात खा के स्कूल जाते थे...

😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤

4-4साल के बच्चे गाते फिर रहे हैं

"छोटी ड्रेस में बॉम्ब लगदी मैनु"

साला जब हम चार साल के थे तो 1 ही वर्ड याद था..

वही गाते फिरते थे...

"शक्ति शक्ति शक्तिमान-शक्तिमान"

😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇

भला हो हनी सिंह और जॉन सीना का..

जिसने आज के बच्चो को फैशन के नाम पे बाल बारीक़ छोटे रखना सीखा दिया..

हमारी तो सबसे ज्यादा कुटाई ही बालो को लेके हुई थी।।

हम दिलजले के अजय देवगन बनके घूमते थे,

और जिस दिन पापा के हाथ लग जाते उस दिन नाईं की दुकान से क्रन्तिविर के नाना पाटेकर  बनाके ही घर लाते थे।।।

काला धन ना पैदा होता है ना मरता है... जिस प्रकार आत्मा एक शरीर को छोड़कर दूसरा शरीर धारण करती है, उसी प्रकर काला धन एक अकाउंट को छोड़कर दूसरा अकाउंट धारण कर लेता है....

-- चाणक्य का मुनीम ।

पापा :- " चल बेटा उठ जा , आठ बज गए , दूध ले के

आ !! "

बेटा :- " संविधान में कहाँ लिखा है कि सुबह उठकर 

बेटा ही दूध लेकर आएगा ?? "

#बेटे_का_संविधान_अभी_भी_सूजा_ हुआ_है😜😄😄😄😄😄😄😄

*"इच्छायें पूरी नही होती है*

*तो क्रोध बढ़ता है*

*और इच्छायें पूरी होती है*

*तो लोभ बढ़ता है*

*इसलिए जीवन की हर तरह की परिस्थिति में धैर्य बनाये रखना ही श्रेष्ठता है ।"*

       

*जो व्यक्ति किसी दूसरे के चेहरे पर हँसी और जीवन में ख़ुशी लाने की क्षमता रखता है..*🍃

*_ईश्वर उसके चेहरे से कभी हँसी और जीवन से ख़ुशी कम नहीं होने देता।_*

              

            

गडकरी की कुल सम्पत्ति है 

3 करोड़ 34 लाख 

और बिटिया की शादी में खर्च हुए

 50 करोड़।

इस मुद्दे पर वरिष्ठ पत्रकार ने लिखा- 

"प्रधानमन्त्री राहत कोष से मदद मिली थी। 

मामा शिवराज की कन्यादान योजना के तहत हेलीकाप्टर आदि दिया गया 

और कार्यकर्ता स्वयंसेवक थे नागपुर के, मने गडकरी की बिटिया के धर्म भाई। 

बाकी का खर्चा paytm वाले शर्मा जी उठा लिए। 

कपडे रिलायंस ने बनवाये। 

ये देश हित में हुई एक सामाजिक शादी है।

 इस पर सवाल उठाना देशद्रोह है।" 

😉😜😅😂😇🤔 😅😂

टीचर (स्टूडेंट से) : सेमेस्टर सिस्टम से क्या फायदा है, बताओ?

😔स्टूडेंट : फायदा तो पता नहीं, 

पर बेइज्जती साल में दो बार हो जाती है।

😜😝😂

 ताई नथो -" आ ए भतेरी तू P T उषा ने जाने से ? "

भतेरी - "ना बेबे वा कुण स ? "

नथो - "हे वा भाजन मैं सारी दुनिया मैं फर्स्ट आई थी ....."

भतेरी - "हे बाहन वा के भाजी थी !

भाजी तो जगते की छोरी थी 3 साल हो लिए आज ती मुड क नी आई ‪!��� "

 लुटने के बाद

डाकु :- तुमने मुझे देखा ? 

कलर्क :- हा। 

डाकु ने कलर्क को गोली मार कर एक आदमी से पुछा :- तुमने कुछ देखा ? 

.

आदमी :- नहीं, पर मेरी पत्नी ने देखा है, साथ मे कह रही है, पुलिस को भी बतायेगी।😝😂😂😁

____________________________________

  

.          *B E H A V I O R*

             Is Sometimes

                  *Greater*

          Than *_Knowledge,_*

         

         Because In Life There

           Are Many Situations

            Where *Knowledge*

           Fails But *_Behaviour_*

                  Can Handle

             *E V E R Y THING

____________________________________

अगर बीवी अपनी साडी का पल्लू अपनी कमर में ठूंस ले तो समझ जाओ कि

.

.

.

या तो वो घर का काम निपटायेगी 

.

.

या आपको ….

😜😜😜😜

 इस बार संता ने फिज़िक्स को हिला डाला!

सवाल: कौन-सा लिक्विड गर्म करने पर सॉलिड बन जाता है?.......

संता का जवाब:   बेसन के पकौड़े ।....😳😝😜😝😋😄😄😂😂

पत्नी:- अजी सुनते हो ? हमारी शादी करवाने वाले पंडित जी का स्वर्गवास हो गया

पति:- एक ना एक दिन उन्हें उनके कर्मो का फल मिलना ही था.

😂😂😂😂😝😜😛

पत्नी: टोस्ट पर शहद लगा दूँ, खाओगे ?

पति, स्टाइल मारते हुए: शहद! मधुमक्खी के मुँह से निकलता है। नहीं, मैं किसी के मुँह से निकली हुई चीज़ नहीं खाता 

पत्नी: तो फिर अंडा बना दूँ ? 

😆😆😝😝😝😂😂

✨ टैंशन वाला जोक 😰

एक बहुत सुंदर लडकी ने आपसे कार मै लिफ्ट मांगी.. 

😋😘😍

रास्ते मे उसकी तबियत अचानक खराब हो गयी...

🙇😯

आप उसे हाॅसपिटल ले गये ....

🏥

डाॅक्टर बोला : मुबारक हो आप बाप बनने वाले हैं ...!

लो साला हो गयी टेंशन 😳

आप बोले मैं इसके बच्चे का बाप नहीं हूं...

😥

लडकी बोली यही मेरे इस होनेवाले बच्चे का बाप है...!

और टैंशन...😳😳

डॉक्टर ने पुलिस बुलाई और आपका मैडिकल चैक अप हुआ...!

रिपोर्ट आयी की आप तो कभी बाप बन ही नहीं सकते..!!

साला और टेंशन...😳😳😳

आपने थॅंक गॉड कहा और बाहर आगये...!

फिर याद आया की आपके घर मै दो बच्चे हैं वो किसके हैं ...??

रियल टेंशन 😳😳😳😳

*"इच्छायें पूरी नही होती है*

*तो क्रोध बढ़ता है*

*और इच्छायें पूरी होती है*

*तो लोभ बढ़ता है*

*इसलिए जीवन की हर तरह की परिस्थिति में धैर्य बनाये रखना ही श्रेष्ठता है ।"*

     

And we Indians proved that we are honest, law abiding tax compliant citizens with no black money at all. Else why and how would nearly all the money come back to banks. Huge respect for our integrity.

Hum Tumhari Life Mein 

Itna Rules Change Karenge 

Ke Confuse Ho Jaoge 

*DEPOSIT Kare Ya WITHDRAW*

"Reverse Bank of India"😜😜

Earlier -

Don't use mobile phones at petrol pumps.It will cause explosion 

Now - 

Pay at petrol pumps via paytm using mobile. 

Nation suddenly becomes fireproof.😂😁😂😁

*" रतलाम जिले के मावता गांव की दिल दहलाने वाली भयानक घटना "*

जिसे सुन कर इंसान की रूह काँप जाती है !

मगर उन जालिमों के हाथ ना काँपें ,  सुबह 7:00 बजे       # मावता मे मात्र 4 साल का मासूम बच्चा , जो अभी सही तरह बोल नहीं सकता था .... .... ....

तीन लोगों ने उसे घेर लिया , लोग भी कौन ? 

उसके अपने एक बाप , 

दूसरी उसकी माँ और 

तीसरा उसका सगा चाचा ... !!!

पहले मीठी - मीठी बातों से , उसे बहकाया , फुसलाया , 

फिर आँगन के बीचों बीच 

उसे दबोच लिया !

वह हाथ जोड़ता रहा , रोता रहा ...

उसकी चीखों से आसमान लजा गया ,  

मगर उसके सगे माँ - बाप और चाचा ने उसकी एक ना सुनी और उसे जबर्दस्ती ... 

।।

... नहला कर 

तैयार कर ,  स्कूल भेज दिया गया .., 

😳😥😡  👏 😳😥😡

*" बेचारा "* ... ... !!!

गौर से पढ़ने के लिये शुक्रिया ..,

😱 *""* !! 😱

*Exhibit A*

*_A Small Story_*

To hunt crocodiles, the pond was dried. 

No crocodiles were found because they can live on land too. 

But all the small fish died.

This story has nothing to do with Demonetisation.

*Exhibit B*

*_The longer version of the small story_*

In another village the pond had really dirty water .. For years (about 60) despite having a huge pond poor farmers had to look upwards to the sky for water for their families ..the pond was never cleaned. The crocodiles were never hunted and no one cared if the fishes died . The water remained murky and could never be used for drinking. The entire village never grew to its potential. Then one day a man took upon himself the challange and decided  to clean the water. Some people who used to sell water tankers to the villagers were not happy and they did every bit to make sure that the man would not succeed.. They threw back dirt in water.. They pulled out the dead fish and called it outcome of water cleaning act.. They blamed it on the guy who was cleaning the water.. 

While most saw what was happening some still went wayward.. 

These guys now said that they could still see the crocodile in the water.. They said hey.. The crocodiles are still there .. We can clearly see them. So whats changed 

Now thats the moral of the story.. This was never about hunting the crocodile.. 

This was always about giving fresh water to the village and to make sure the crocs are visible.. So that if they need to be hunted they can be hunted..

This long story has everything to do with demonetization and as for the man who wanted to clean the water .. 

He's now  planning other cleanups..

So.. in the end that's just how you look at it...🙂

*ये तो दिल्ली वाले लोग ही समझ सकते हैं ....*

😄😄😄👍👌

.

.

.

*कॉलेज क्लर्क :*बेटा ये फॉर्म तुमने गलत भर दिया है।

यहाँ अपना एड्रेस नहीं, नाम लिखना था ....??

*विद्यार्थी :* विकास पुरी मेरा नाम है जी।

*कॉलेज क्लर्क :* अच्छा...!! तो पिता का नाम क्या है ?

*विद्यार्थी :* जी। जनक पुरी ।

*कॉलेज क्लर्क :* अच्छा तो, दादाजी का नाम ??

*विद्यार्थी :* जी। त्रिलोक पुरी।

*कॉलेज क्लर्क :* हे भगवान...!!बेटा जाते-जाते अपनी माँ का नाम भी बताते जाओ।

*विद्यार्थी :* माया पुरी।

*कॉलेज क्लर्क :* (झल्लाकर) क्या मजाक लगा रखा है। अच्छा कोई फैमिली का समझदार आया है तुम्हारे साथ एडमिशन करवाने

*विद्यार्थी :* जी, मेरा बड़ा भाई और बहन मेरा साथ आये हैं।

*कॉलेज क्लर्क :* (भाई और बहन से मुखातिब होते हुए) आपका नाम?

*भाई:* गोविन्द पुरी।

*बहन:* सीमा पुरी ।

*कॉलेज क्लर्क:* अच्छा ये भी बता ही दो , तुम रहते कहाँ हो ..?? 

*विद्यार्थी:* जी। सुल्तान पुरी।

क्लर्क पागल हो गया है ....!!

😄😃😀😀

Wishing all alcohol lovers very happy whisky day. !!!!!

*TODAY IS WORLD WHISKEY DAY*

In our life, problems may go from "Haywards 2000"🍺 to "Haywards 5000"🍺 , but we must take them as a "Royal Challenge "🍺 otherwise people will call us "Old Monk"🍺 and put a "Black Label "🍺 on our name. So we must learn from "Teachers"🍺 to fight like "Jack Daniel"🍺 , live like a "Bagpiper"🍺 , walk like "Johny Walker"🍺 , work till "8 PM"🍺 & think like "Director Special" 🍺. Catch the ideas like "kingfisher 🍺" and "knockout" 🍺 all the problems. Then life will be "Imperial"🍺 & we will become "Aristocrat"🍺 & there will be value for our "Signature"🍻🍺🍺

Cheers!

🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻🍻

*पत्नी* :- 

*मेरी ये समझ में नहीं आता की कई साल से मैं करवाचौथ का व्रत नहीं रख रही फिर भी तुम पूर्ण स्वस्थ कैसे चल रहे हो*??

*पति* :- 

*मैं बहुत नियम संयम से रहता हूँ इसलिए*।

*पत्नी* :- 

*मुझे बेवक़ूफ़ समझ रखा है क्या*? 

*सच सच बताओ वह कौन है जो तुम्हारे लिए करवा चौथ का व्रत रखती है*!!!!

😀😜😛

भाग्य उन्ही पर मेहरबान होता

 है जो बाँहें चढाकर अपने

 कंधो को कष्ट देने को तैयार

 रहते है।

🙏🙏

***

जिन्दगी की दौड़ में,

तजुर्बा कच्चा ही रह गया...।

हम सिख न पाये 'फरेब'

और दिल बच्चा ही रह गया !

बचपन में जहां चाहा हँस लेते थे,

जहां चाहा रो लेते थे...।

पर अब मुस्कान को तमीज़ चाहिए

और आंसुओ को तन्हाई !

हम भी मुस्कराते थे कभी बेपरवाह अन्दाज़ से...

देखा है आज खुद को कुछ पुरानी तस्वीरों में !

चलो मुस्कुराने की वजह ढुंढते हैं...

तुम हमें ढुंढो...

हम तुम्हे ढुंढते हैं !!

✍🏼

बचपन में देखा कि गर्मी "ऊन" में होती है...

स्कूल में पता चला गर्मी "जून" में होती है...

पापा ने बताया, कि गर्मी "खून" में होती है...

बहुत ज़िंदगी में थपेढ़े खाये

तब पता चला कि, 

गर्मी ना खून, 

ना जून, 

ना ऊन में होती है...

जनाब,

गर्मी तो *"जुनून"* में होती है...

New Caution in Financial Markets:

"Investments are subject to Modi risks...please listen and watch his speeches carefully before investing!" 😛

" The CEO of a large, global bank once told me: "It is very easy for someone in my position to be very busy all the time. There is always another meeting you really have to attend, and you can fly somewhere else pretty much every other day. However, I feel that that is not what I am paid to do. It is my job to carefully think about our strategy."

And this reminds me of Aditya Puri who is famously off mobile phones, does not sit in office beyond 6 pm, does not take calls at home, and keeps a squeaky clean desk at office. 

https://hbr.org/2015/09/5-strategy-questions-every-leader-should-make-time-for

वैवाहिक निमंत्रण पत्रिका का एक हास्य।

*आपकी उपस्थिती ही उपहार है,*

*कृपया उपहार ना लाएँ।*

😳😳😳😂

अब एक बार फिर से पढ़ें...!!!

समझेंगे तो जरूर हँसेंगे...!!!

😝😝😝😝😝😝

मै यादों का 

किस्सा खोलूँ तो,

कुछ दोस्त बहुत 

याद आते हैं....

...मै गुजरे पल को सोचूँ 

तो, कुछ दोस्त 

बहुत याद आते हैं....

.....अब जाने कौन सी नगरी में,

आबाद हैं जाकर मुद्दत से....

....मै देर रात तक जागूँ तो ,

कुछ दोस्त 

बहुत याद आते हैं....

....कुछ बातें थीं फूलों जैसी,

....कुछ लहजे खुशबू जैसे थे,

....मै शहर-ए-चमन में टहलूँ तो,

....कुछ दोस्त बहुत याद आते हैं.

....सबकी जिंदगी बदल गयी,

....एक नए सिरे में ढल गयी,

....किसी को नौकरी से फुरसत नही...

....किसी को दोस्तों की जरुरत नही....

....सारे यार गुम हो गये हैं...

.... "तू" से "तुम" और "आप" हो गये है....

....मै गुजरे पल को सोचूँ 

तो, कुछ दोस्त बहुत याद आते हैं....

...धीरे धीरे उम्र कट जाती है...

...जीवन यादों की पुस्तक बन जाती है,

...कभी किसी की याद बहुत तड़पाती है...

और कभी यादों के सहारे ज़िन्दगी कट जाती है ...

.....किनारो पे सागर के खजाने नहीं आते, 

....फिर जीवन में दोस्त पुराने नहीं आते...

.....जी लो इन पलों को हस के दोस्त, 

फिर लौट के दोस्ती के जमाने नहीं आते 

Very nice tribute to the passing year:

Ahista chal zindagi, abhi kai karz chukana baaki hai.

Kuch dard mitana baaki hai, kuch farz nibhana baaki hai.

Raftaar mein tere chalne se kuchh rooth gaye, kuch chhut gaye.

Roothon ko manana baaki hai, roton ko hasana baki hai.

Kuch hasraatein abhi adhuri hain, kuch kaam bhi aur zaruri hai.

Khwahishen jo ghut gayi is dil mein, unko dafnana baki hai.

Kuch rishte ban kar toot gaye, kuch judte-judte chhut gaye.

Un tootte-chhutte rishton ke zakhmon ko mitana baki hai.

Tu aage chal main aata hoon, kya chhod tujhe ji paunga?

In saanson par haqq hai jinka, unko samjhaana baaki hai.

Aahista chal zindagi, abhi kai karz chukana baki hai...

नवीनतम राष्ट्रगीत रचना

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

हम लाये हैं जी बैंक  से नक़दी निकाल के

इस कैश को ख़रचो ज़रा बेगम संभाल के

काला  नहीं  है धन  ये  हैं  पैसेे  हलाल के

इस कैश को ख़रचो ज़रा बेगम संभाल के

थिएटर में नहीं जाना जी कुछ रोज़ अभी और 

होटल में नहीं खाना जी कुछ रोज़ अभी और 

देखो ये  शौक़  बन चुके  जी के जंजाल के

इस कैश  को ख़रचो ज़रा बेगम संभाल के

बाहर  हैं  एटीएम  के    लंबी-लंबी क़तार

पीछे खड़ा हूँ सबसे मैं रोता हूँ ज़ार-ज़ार

मोदी जी तुमने रख दिए आँसू निकाल के

इस कैश को ख़रचो ज़रा बेगम संभाल के

क़िल्लत ने कैश की मुझे मजबूर यूँ किया

जिसने भी सौ उधार  दिया  शुक्रिया कहा 

ये भी कहा है उससे के तुम हो कमाल के 

इस कैश को ख़रचो ज़रा बेगम संभाल के

छत भी  सकेर  ली  मैंने  दीवार  झाड़ ली

परदे उलट  के  देख लिए सदरी  फाड़ ली

तकिया, रज़ाई, गद्दा व गुल्लक खंगाल के

इस कैश को ख़रचो ज़रा बेगम संभाल के

हम लाये हैं जी बैंक से नक़दी निकाल के

इस कैश को ख़रचो ज़रा बेगम संभाल के

😂😂😂😂😂

I'm no scientist, but I'm sure that gravity is at it's strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings!

_*Mitron*_

 *enters Urban English Dictionary.*

*Meaning*. :

*Mitron -*

*"A large group of unsuspecting people, about to be hit by something they will take a long time to recover from."*

मुलायम ने पार्टी बचाने के लिए अपने बेटे को पार्टी से निकाल दिया,

*कांग्रेसी नेता बार-बार सोनिया को यह न्यूज सुना रहे हैं*।

*Cancel your credit card before you die.........* ( Truly hilarious! )

*This is priceless*.

A lady died in 2016 January, and HDFC Bank billed her for Feb '16 & Mar '16 for  *annual service charges* on her credit card, and *added late fees* and *interest* on the monthly charges!!!

The balance had been Rs.0.00 when she died, but now it was around Rs.6000.

 A family member placed a call to HDFC Bank. Here is the conversatio :

*Family Member*: "I am calling to tell you that she died in Jan '16."

*HDFC Bank*: "The account was never closed. So the late fees & charges still apply."

*Family Member*:😳 "Maybe, you should turn it over to yr collections dept."

*HDFC Bank*: "Since it is two months overdue, it already has been."

*Family Member*: "So, what will they do when they find out she is no more?"

*HDFC Bank*: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureauor maybe both!"

*Family Member*: 😷 "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

*HDFC Bank*: 😳 "Excuse me?"

*Family Member*: 😡 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

*HDFC Bank*: 😒"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone: 

*Family Member*: "I'm calling to inform you that she died in Jan '16 with a Rs.0 balance on her credit card."

*HDFC Bank*: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."

*Family Member*: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

*HDFC Bank*: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

*Family Member*: "No, I'm her grand nephew."

*HDFC Bank*: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

*Family Member*: "Sure." (Fax number was given )

After they got the fax :

*HDFC Bank*: "Our system isn't setup for *death*. I don't know what more I can do to help."

*Family Member*: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care."

*HDFC Bank*: "Well, the late fees and charges will still apply."

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

*Family Member*: "Would you like her new billing address?"

*HDFC Bank*: "That might help..."

*Family Member*: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Grave no 1169, Avinashi, Coimbatore."

*HDFC Bank*: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

*Family Member*: "And what do you do with dead people on your planet???"

😆😆😆😱😨👻💀

Do you still remember those awkward days in schools during Exams* 

When a bright student tells the invigilator that question 4 has a problem, but you have already answered it...😳 

When a fellow student asks for a graph paper, but you are finished and did not see anywhere where it was required...😧 

When the invigilator says jump question 6 we will rectify it later, but it was the question you enjoyed most when answering...😟 

When you see people busy using rulers and you are wondering what is going on...😣

When you hear your friends arguing after the exam whether the answer to question 5 was 35.5% or 36% and your answer was South Africa 😩

*Sahi me padhne layak*

👉एक बार एक संत ने अपने दो

     भक्तों को बुलाया और कहा आप

     को यहाँ से पचास कोस जाना है।

👉एक भक्त को एक बोरी खाने के

     समान से भर कर दी और कहा जो

     लायक मिले उसे देते जाना 

👉और एक को ख़ाली बोरी दी उससे

      कहा रास्ते मे जो उसे अच्छा मिले

      उसे बोरी मे भर कर ले जाए।

👉दोनो निकल पड़े जिसके कंधे पर

     समान था वो धीरे चल पा रहा था

👉ख़ाली बोरी वाला भक्त आराम से

      जा रहा था

👉थोड़ी दूर उसको एक सोने की ईंट

     मिली उसने उसे बोरी मे डाल 

     लिया

👉थोड़ी दूर चला फिर ईंट मिली उसे

     भी उठा लिया

👉जैसे जैसे चलता गया उसे सोना

     मिलता गया और वो बोरी मे भरता

     हुआ चल रहा था 

👉और बोरी का वज़न। बड़ता गया

      उसका चलना मुश्किल होता गया

     और साँस भी चढ़ने लग गई

👉एक एक क़दम मुश्किल होता

     गया ।

👉दूसरा भक्त जैसे जैसे चलता गया

     रास्ते मै जो भी मिलता उसको

     बोरी मे से खाने का कुछ समान

     देता गया धीरे धीरे बोरी का वज़न

     कम होता गया

👉और उसका चलना आसान होता

     गया।

👉जो बाँटता गया उसका मंज़िल

     तक पहुँचना आसान होता गया 

👉जो ईकठा करता रहा वो रास्ते मे

     ही दम तोड़ गया 

👉दिल से सोचना हमने जीवन मे

     क्या बाँटा और क्या इकट्ठा किया

     हम मंज़िल तक कैसे पहुँच पाएँगे।

👉जिन्दगी का कडवा सच...👈

👉आप को 60 साल की उम्र के बाद

     कोई यह नहीं पूछेंगा कि आप का

     बैंक बैलेन्स कितना है या आप के

     पास कितनी गाड़ियाँ हैं....?

👉दो ही प्रश्न पूछे जाएंगे ...👈

     1-आप का स्वास्थ्य कैसा है.....?

         और

     2-आप के बच्चे क्या करते हैं....?